What Kind of Class Did You Drag Me To?

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Oh shit. We’ve all been there. We’ve been dragged to a fitness class of some sort and we have no idea what we’re in for 🤔. The person next to you looks like a chiseled pro, your mind is off in a thousand directions and you’ve totally forgot whether you’re in a yoga class, Pilates class, dance class, Barre class or somewhere much, much, much worse. Here is our foolproof way to help you figure things out when these unfortunate things happen to you.

The teacher is in the midst of some type of monologue that has been going on for 45 minutes!
If there is a 45-minute preamble before you even move a goddamn muscle on the mat then there is a 95 percent chance you’re in a yoga class. Yoga teachers love to give lengthy lectures and anecdotes about their day — so just relax a bit and a really hot, sweaty and amazing exercise will follow right after Daniel Day Lewis wraps it up.

You’re surrounded by children in Norse mythology costumes
Goddammit! You’re in a dance studio 💃. Why on earth would your friend drag you, a grown adult, to a dance studio? Just try not to step on any of them or kick them in the face when it’s time to take flight and you should survive this ordeal.

You want me to do what? Are you crazy?
If the instructor, an extremely chiseled man or woman, wants you to run 2-miles through an alligator-infested swamp with your grandfather’s recliner strapped to your back then chances are you’re at a crossfit studio. We hope you didn’t eat 4-hours before this class, because that salad is going to find its way back up during your 108th set of burpees 🤢. We’ll pray for you 🙏 .

A woman in a headset is asking me to place my order
Oh this isn’t an exercise class, you’re inside a fast food restaurant — and we highly recommend you order something delicious like a milkshake or chicken nuggets or something else loaded with GMOs! 🍔 🍟 

Everyone at this place is thin and pretty, and I pretty much hate all of them
Man alive! This is a Pilates studio and once you get on that reformer your life will pretty much revolve around this exercise. Thank your friend for being so kind and taking you to this place filled with majestic unicorns and enjoy! 🦄 

Ummm, the owner of this place is wolfing down handfuls of M&Ms — I’m afraid
No, you’re not at a candy store 🍭 🍬 🍫. You’ve made it to Center Stage Barre studio, a quirky little place ran by Sam, a sugar driven woman who plays good music and finds a way to effortlessly meld cardio with weight training. You’re gonna love it — and you’re going to love incorporating all of the other exercises mentioned above into your barre routine! 👊